


a kid afraid of the dark (of what he can't see)

by peterneds



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual May Parker, Bisexual Peter Parker, Coming Out, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Funerals, Gay Ned Leeds, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kid Ned Leeds, Kid Peter Parker, Like, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Pride, Religion, Star Wars References, Uncle Ben Is An Asshole, peter cries a lot, seriously the majority of this is flashbacks, so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 06:04:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15090599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterneds/pseuds/peterneds
Summary: He takes Ned’s hand.He doesn’t let go when he squeezes.And it burns when Ben explains the passage of scripture, burns when his tone of distaste sears through Peter’s chest, burns when Ben spits “those who disobey the word of God will surely end up in hell,” burns so bad he has to check and make sure his skin hasn’t started to bleed. But when he looks down, Ned’s hand is still intertwined with his. And it soothes the burn./title from 'scars' by my brothers and i





	a kid afraid of the dark (of what he can't see)

**Author's Note:**

> 5/2/19 EDIT: reupload of the fic is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18676483)!!! so sorry for everyone who read this after it got fucked up lmao love y'all  
> 7/2/18 EDIT: a fuckin sentence of this was missing!!!!!! i fixed it now but if u already read this go read after peter c*mes o*t to get the new sentence alright bye fuckers
> 
> 7/5/18 EDIT: i just went back and properly edited this and corrected my mistakes and bettered some sentences and things and i'm really sorry to ask this again but i'd really appreciate if u went back and read the Complete and Final version of this cause it's a lot better now that's it's edited okay bye i'm done being annoying now

Here in the Soul stone - it’s different. 

There is no beginning, nor end. No sunrise, no sunset. The absence of the moon’s presence sinks deep into his bones. 

He wonders how Ned is doing. 

Ned. God, but he _misses_ his home.

He wonders if Ned tried to look for him. He wonders if Ned’s still looking for him. And he is so angry with himself, for ending up here. He hasn’t found anyone else. He doesn’t know how time works here, but it must have been a few days since he got here. Maybe a week. Maybe it’s only been a few seconds. 

But he feels so scared. He can still feel Mr. Stark’s shoulder blades beneath his hands, hands that turned to dust. He turned to dust. 

His body is back, now. 

And he’s so fucking confused. He doesn’t know how this makes any sense. 

He’s honestly not sure where he is. He’s begging, pleading that his hypothesis is right - that the stone is where he is. Because, fuck. This can’t be Earth. And he’s too afraid to admit that it might be Hell. 

 

_Peter’s six years old and Uncle Ben has driven him and May to church. For his parents’ funeral._

_When he steps out of the car May is there to greet him, bending down to meet his eye as she takes his face in her hands._

__“Hey, kiddo,” _she says._ “We’re right here with you. It’ll be okay.” _She leans in to hug him and rests her head on Peter’s shoulder, and she’d never tell you that it was to hide the tears from her little Pete. She’s having to face her brother’s cold body once she steps through those doors - but this is Peter’s father. She has to be strong for him._

_She takes his hand as they walk through the glass doors. The priest says something about how great his parents were, how him and the church will miss them so much. Peter’s never seen this man in his life._

_And he can’t help but to feel angry._

_He pries his hand away from May’s grip and runs through the doors again, this time he runs to a tree on the property. He climbs it as fast as he can, because he wants to run away so bad. He wants to flee from this more than anything, so he goes as far as he knows he can - which is to the top of this tree._

_His head peeks out at the top, between leaves and branches and they’re poking all over his legs, and he thinks he’s bleeding but he can’t feel it. All he feels is something beneath his skin, simmering and rising to a boil._

_Ben is the one who calls for him first._

_He’s angry._

_wants to flee from this more than anything, so he goes as far as he knows he can - which is to the top of this tree._

_His head peeks out at the top, between leaves and branches and they’re poking all over his legs, and he thinks he’s bleeding but he can’t feel it. All he feels is something beneath his skin, simmering and rising to a boil._

_Ben is the one who calls for him first._

_He’s angry._

_“Pete,” his voice sounds quiet, but Peter can hear the icy tone even this high in the air. “Get down here. Now. We don’t have time for this.”_

_Peter begins to cry._

_Every bone in his body wants to stay where he is. He wants to go higher. Wants to grow wings and fly with the birds, fly away from this because he’s so young and he can’t even fully grasp this - because life now will be spent without his mother kissing him on the forehead every night when she tucks him in and without his father reading comic books to him on Saturday mornings. Because his father will never drape his grey, fading jacket over his shoulders again. His mom will never tell him she loves him again._

_And he doesn’t get this. He doesn’t get how they can just be gone - gone like how quickly his mom used to snap her fingers to the tune of Here Comes The Sun. He doesn’t get it - he doesn’t get how blood stopped flowing in their veins all of a sudden. Can he give his to them? He wants to give his, they can take all that they need, all that they want, if it means they’ll come back. He wants them to come back more than anything. He wants to steal his dad’s glasses again. He wants to steal sips of his coffee, dip his mom’s cookies in it and watch as crumbs begin to float to the surface. He wants to feel his mom’s hands scratch his hair again, he wants to wake up knowing his bowl of Cookie Crisp has already been poured, waiting for him on the kitchen counter. He wants his family back._

_He starts to climb down._

__“What were you _doing_ up there, Pete, you could have hurt yourself!” _Ben begins but Peter ignores him. He runs, doesn’t stop, lets his feet take him back to the only thing he’s got left._

 __“May,” _he chokes out, crashing into her legs. On instinct, her hands cradle his head, and she bends down to meet his eyes again._

“Pete, baby, breathe. Come on, breathe for me, can you do that?” _And Peter wants to - wants to be able to do what she asks so terribly much. Her thumbs swipe across his cheek, gathering the tears and wiping them away. She rests her forehead against his own, closes her eyes, and breathes in deeply. Peter follows suit._

_He breathes in, and even though his breath might hitch a few times, May still gives him a big smile when her eyes open again._

_(How can she do that? Peter wonders. How can she find a way to be happy even now?)_

_She picks him up, and Peter knows he’s too old for this, but he doesn’t care. He wraps his arms around her neck and buries his face in her shoulder._

__“Sweet boy, it’ll be alright,” _she soothes. Peter shakes his head, and he knows he’s getting snot all over May’s pretty dress and all he feels is_ guilt.

“It will,” _May nods. She shifts so Peter has nowhere to look besides her eyes._ “I will always be right there next to you, Peter. And I won’t allow it to be anything but alright. Okay?”

_Peter nods, even though he doesn’t believe it._

__

 

__

_Ben brings him back to church, the night after his and Ned’s first sleepover._

__

_Ned’s parents were supposed to pick him up two hours ago, and had Peter known they’d be going to church the next day he wouldn’t have invited Ned over._

_Peter doesn’t like church._

_The priest is angry and he yells, and talks about scary things like fire and Hell and God and his eternal wrath. He doesn’t know what most of those things mean but the tone they’re spoken in strikes fear into him._

_And it’s on this day that the priest reads Leviticus 18:22._

_Peter and Ned had slept in the same bed last night._

_He remembers hearing Ben’s voice raise down the hall from his and May’s room, catching a_ “you’re letting them do this?” _and May’s responding,_ “they’re _kids,_ Ben!” _Peter had turned the volume up on Star Wars and rested his head on Ned’s shoulder, hoping the fabric of Ned’s big striped sweater would drown out their yelling. Ned had taken his hand and hadn’t let go throughout the whole movie, or when they went to sleep, not until they had woken up._

_This had felt normal up until this point, this fixed moment in time where he’s sure both him and Ned have froze._

_And the priest doesn’t stop once he’s finished reading the verse._

_Peter wants nothing more than to feel Ned’s pulse under his skin again, feel his fingers laced with Ned’s again, but now he fears for the looks the other people filling up these pews will shoot at him and Ned, fears more for what would happen if the priest say him holding hands with a_ boy.

_And he hates it, but what he fears the most is the anger he’d hear in his Uncle Ben’s voice again._

_And yet, Ned takes his hand, just for a moment, and squeezes. Peter doesn’t know whether his heart should speed up or stop beating entirely._

_After the service, Ned and Peter clamber into the backseat of Ben’s beat up old car. And he’s scared, again. Scared that Ned will take his hand for real this time._ Terrified _that Ben will see._

__

“How’d you enjoy that sermon, Pete?” _Ben’s voice cuts through the silence. This is what they’ve been doing every odd Sunday. Ben talks about the service and Peter pretends to listen while, really, his mind is on new_ Lego Star Wars _models or his last science lesson._

__

_Peter’s eyes flick up to the rear view mirror and find Ben’s looking back at him already. He nods, before averting his gaze back to the space between him and Ned._

__

__“That was an interesting piece of scripture he read, huh? What’d you think of that, Ned?”

__

_Peter closes his eyes and braces himself for the punches that are about to be thrown._

__

_Ned’s head shoots up, obviously not expecting to have to engage in this conversation, and he sputters a bit before answering,_ “uh, I didn’t quite understand it, sir?”

__

_And Peter’s hearts aches for how_ scared _Ned sounds._

__

_He takes Ned’s hand._

__

_He doesn’t let go when he squeezes._

__

_And it burns when Ben explains the passage of scripture, burns when his tone of distaste sears through Peter’s chest, burns when Ben spits_ “those who disobey the word of God will surely end up in hell,” _burns so bad he has to check and make sure his skin hasn’t started to bleed. But when he looks down, Ned’s hand is still intertwined with his. And it soothes the burn._

__

__

_Ned kisses him eight years after that._

__

_It’s rushed, by no means enjoyable, really just Ned’s lips pressing against his half open ones for a total of three seconds, but he’s gasping by the end of it._

__

__“No,” _Ned says, because he knows. He must. He was there when this seed of fear and self-hatred was planted._ “No, Peter. He’s wrong.” _And Peter shakes his head as the sobs rack out of him, as choked out gasps echo through his room, as he feels his heart somehow breaking and mending at the same time. Ned takes Peter’s face in his hands, wipes the pads of his thumbs under his eyes._

__

_And Peter is reminded of the way May comforted him at his parents funeral, the way he had to comfort May at Ben’s funeral - how Peter had felt hollow throughout that service. How he had wanted to run when this priest said the same words he’d said when his parents had died, but he couldn’t run this time. Because this time he was May’s anchor. And even though the tears filled his eyes, he didn’t let them fall. Even though he knew he should feel heartbroken, devastated, a sick part of him feels relief. And at 13 he shouldn’t have this much guilt - at 13 he shouldn’t hate himself so much for things he cannot control, for things he can’t suppress no matter how hard he tries. He shouldn’t feel guilty for not missing someone who made him afraid. And you’d think it would help, help if he did cry because then maybe people would be convinced that he’ll miss him - but he’ll be damned if he cries over the man who caused him so much pain._ “Baby,” _Ned says, and Peter’s sobs die down to little gasps. No one’s called him that for - for eight whole years. They’re still kids, even now, even after all that time._ “I’m sorry,” _Ned starts._ “I’m so sorry, Peter. He’s wrong. He’s so, _so_ wrong.” _And Peter is still so utterly disgusted with himself - hates the way part of him wishes Ned had kissed him sooner, longer, never stopped. But he can’t hate Ned. Never Ned. Peter brings his hands to cover Ned’s, brings one to his mouth and presses a kiss to his open palm. He thinks he taste the salt of his own tears there, but he can’t find it in himself to care, because he’s basking in the fact that Ned cared enough to wipe them away, in the fact that Ned isn’t offended at the disgust that he knows Peter feels. That Ned was brave enough to make the first move because he’s sure he knew Peter could never find that courage within himself. Ned lets his hands fall away from Peter’s face, tugging on them both to lead Peter to his bottom bunk, and they fall back onto the mattress again and it’s like when they were kids. Peter brings their joined hands to eye level, stares at them for a moment before he looks up at Ned. And there is so much trust there - he has left himself so open for Ned to see - and it hurts Ned’s heart because there is no one in this world that should make Peter unhappy. There is no one in this world that should have this effect on him. Peter looks up at him like he holds the answers to all the questions in the universe, all the solutions, all the stitches he needs to sew up his scars._ “I’m here,” _he says._ “I’ll always be here, Peter. I’ll wait if that’s what you need, I’ll leave if you want, but you’ll always have me. I promise.” _The grip on his hand tightens and Peter shakes his head vigorously._ “No,” _he whispers, voice gone croaky from crying._ “Stay. Please.” _Ned nods and wraps his arms around Peter, pulls him tight so he can hide his face in Ned’s neck. “Go to sleep, baby,” he says, muffled into Peter’s unruly curls. “Here when you wake up,” he promises and Peter nods into his neck and allows himself to close his eyes, nosing into him before his breathing evens out, and Ned drops a kiss to Peter’s hair. The words_ “I love you” _weigh heavy on his tongue, but he doesn’t let them escape, even in the silence of Peter’s bedroom. Not yet. Peter tells Ned he loves him four months later. He’s known, though. Ever since that night, ever since Ned stayed with him after he kissed him. Kept it hidden for as long as he could, but the words burst from his lips, unplanned. The spider bit him last month, and he’s still getting used to his newly heightened senses. They’re at the movie theatre they managed to sneak into because neither of them are old enough for jobs and May’s job hasn’t been putting out recently. It’s_ Star Wars _that they’re seeing, (of course it is) and at a particularly loud explosion Peter excuses himself to the restroom where he presses his hands against his ears, trying to calm the ringing and buzzing he feels. And he hears Ned come into the bathroom not a minute later._ “Peter?” _he calls._ “You good?” _Peter psyches himself up to be faced with the questions Ned will have when he sees the red rimmed around Peter’s eyes, how wild his hair must look from how he was tugging on the strands. And he’s greeted with concern when he opens the door to his stall, yes, but understanding more than anything._ “Were you crying?” _Ned asks, not a hint of judgement in his tone. Peter nods as he goes to wash his hands._ “My ears have been really sensitive lately,” _he tries to play it off as casual concern._ “That last explosion really hurt. We can go back though, I’ll be fine.” “No,” _Ned shakes his head and takes Peter’s hand once he’s finished drying them off._ “Come on, we’re gonna go home.” “N, seriously, I promise I’ll be fine -” _he tries but Ned’s already pulling him out of the bathroom and towards the doors that lead to the exit of the theatre. He gets him to stop, though, once Ned’s physically dragging him across the carpet. Ned looks back and Peter is motioning towards the long hall of screening rooms._ “Baby,” _Ned says, trying to reason with his stubbornness._ “We’ll watch it when it comes out on DVD, come on,” he tugs at Peter’s hand. Peter tugs at his. “It’s Star Wars, Ned, fucking _Star Wars!_ There hasn’t been a new one in theatres for 10 years! We’re not gonna miss it cause of a stupid reason.” _“I’ll carry you out of here, Parker,” _he threatens, and Peter laughs but then Ned lets go of his hand and walks towards him with his arms ready to pick Peter up and he stops himself._ “Okay, okay, yeah, I’m coming!”_ _Ned shoots him a playful glare behind his shoulder but he still takes Peter’s hand once he catches up._ _They’re walking back to Peter’s apartment and Ned doesn’t let go of his hand even as they walk past their neighbours, even as they climb the stairs to his floor. Peter squeezes Ned’s hand gently and he stops walking, looking at Peter expectantly._ _“Hey,” _Peter says, soft. What he wants to say is_ thank you, thank you for skipping out on Star Wars for me, thank you for always dealing with me, and caring for me, _but instead what comes out is,_ “I love you.”_ _His eyes widen as soon as he feels his lips moving and he smacks a hand over his mouth. Ned is looking back at him, with patience, ready to console him in any way he needs because he knows Peter wasn’t planning on saying that. He gently pries Peter’s hand away from his mouth and cups his cheek._ _“Hey,” _he says back, and he’s smiling so much he can hardly contain it in his body._ “I love you too,” _and he leans in and rubs his nose against Peter’s before kissing him softly. He begins to pull away, but then Peter’s hands are in his hair and he’s bringing him back, kissing him the most he’s ever kissed him in his life, and leaving him absolutely breathless. And he smiles into Peter’s mouth because he is so incredibly_ proud; _he can barely keep his heart in his chest but he kisses Peter back with all he’s got, and both his hands are cupping Peter’s face and he pulls back to say,_ “I love you,” _again.__ _“Am I good at that?” _Peter gasps out, chest heaving from the lack of oxygen, and he looks incredulously at the redness he’s left on Ned’s lips.__ _Ned can’t help it, he starts laughing so much he nearly falls down the steps, but Peter’s hands slide down and hold him in place._ “Yeah, babe. You’re an exceptional kisser.” _And he leans in and drops a chaste kiss on his lips again. Just because he can._ _“I’m sorry,” _Peter starts, rubbing his arms up and down Ned’s sides nervously._ “I wasn’t gonna say it like that - I just wanted to say, like, thank you, because we’re missing Star Wars right now because you’re an idiot and won’t let me go back but I guess it kinda means the same thing and I just - I’m so glad I have you, Ned. And I do. I love you so much.”_ Ned shakes his head at how ridiculous Peter is - rambling anxiously over the fact that the way he told Ned he loves him wasn’t planned. “You beat me to it,” _he laughs._ “Don’t worry, I promise mine wouldn’t have gone any better.” _And Peter knows that’s a lie. Knows Ned would have planned for days on end on how he would announce his love for Peter, made sure everything was perfect. But he is so incredibly grateful that Ned still appreciates Peter, despite his messiness, despite his stubbornness. And so he kisses him again, and hopes Ned feels how absolutely happy he is in this moment._ _Peter comes out to May later that night. And he’s so scared - he’s absolutely fucking petrified, and he can’t stop shaking and his heart is going crazy fast and he’s gonna unravel his entire sweater if he keeps pulling at this thread, but god dammit, this is life or death._ “May,” _he says when she starts to leave his room, and she turns her head around and raises her eyebrows._ “You okay, kiddo?” _She asks and Peter knows she has no idea, knows she’s just concerned for him but it feels like the dog snapping his jaws at him, right before he makes the kill. When Peter doesn’t answer, she walks back and sits by the foot of his bed, and pats her lap and so Peter lays his head there and she combs her fingers through his hair like she always did when he was a kid. And Peter can’t stop the tears from falling, because he fears more than anything that this is the last time he’ll be given this privilege. He sits up, and grabs a pillow from behind him and leaves it between his criss-crossed legs, and part of him wants to laugh because May is completely mirroring him. He can’t bring himself to, though. “I have to- to tell you something,” _he says, and his voice is so damn_ shaky. _He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, and can’t bear to look up at May’s face. May nods for him to go on, and covers Peter's hands with hers. And it hurts Peter so bad because he knows, he_ knows,_ he is unworthy of this love. That once he tells May she’ll be afraid to touch him, tell him he has a disease, kick him out onto the streets. “I love Ned,” _he says, louder than he should. And May tries to interrupt, tries to say_ “he’s your best friend, Pete, of course you love him,” _but Peter_ has _to get this out now._ “May, I’m in love with him. I like… I like _boys,_ May. I-I think I always have and I’m sorry, I know that’s a sin and I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can’t help it, and it’s not like I don’t like girls either it’s just - it’s both, but it’s Ned, May, it’s him, it - it always has been.” _Peter is trembling so much that his bedpost is rocking with it, and his breaths are coming out in shaky exhales and May might have to take him down to the hospital if he doesn’t calm down soon enough._ “Pete,” _she says and oh no, Peter hears the lecture already forming, feels the disappointment on her tongue seep into his bones._ But then. Then. May is embracing him, bringing him into her chest with a hand cradling the back of his head and the other splayed out on his back, dragging up and down in an attempt to calm her boy. “Breathe, sweet boy, come on, just like we used to,” _and now she cups his cheeks and levels her face with his, closing her eyes and breathing in deep and exhaling slow and Peter tries to mirror her, but the sobs racking through his body make that difficult. May soon realises that maybe just this physical comfort is not enough, that maybe Peter needs words of reassurance, a bandage to tape over the wounds Ben carved open himself. “You’re not a sinner, baby. You have love and that is beautiful, you hear me? I’m so glad you told me, Pete. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know. I love you, okay, Pete? You’re all I’ve got. Do you know that?" _Peter nods his head and presses his ear to May’s heartbeat, like he used to when he’d wake up from nightmares when he was little, but he still can’t stop sobbing and he chokes out,_ “I’m sorry, Aunt May, I’m s-so, so _sorry." _She lifts him up to look him in the eye and wipes his tears away and shushes him and she says,_ “hey, you wanna know something?”_ _And Peter nods and sniffles and wipes snot from his nose with the cuff of his sweater. “In high school,” _she says, thumbs still caressing Peter’s cheeks,_ “I had a crush on a girl in Music named Olivia.” And Peter’s eyes open a little bit wider. May? Having a crush on a _ girl?_ “Yeah,” she nods. “I kissed her under the bleachers at a football game.” “Wh-what, what did she do?” _Peter manages, chest still heaving up and down but his sobs have stopped. “She ran away screaming,” _May laughs._ “And I was, like, so _distraught_ over it. I left sticky notes in her locker and one day I told her to meet me at the Thai place, down on 31st Street?” _Peter nods. They had gone there after May had found Peter half-naked with Ned in his room, Legos littering his carpet._ “She never showed, though,” _May exhales a little sigh._ “I met your Uncle Ben that night.”_ _Peter flinches at the mention of his name. They haven't - they don't talk about this often. And it's only now that May truly understands why._ “How did you - how could you stay with him?” “I loved him,” _May shakes her head sadly._ “I thought he could fix me. He told me there was something wrong with me and I believed him, because that was all anyone had told me. And I figured, if I loved him, he must be right.” “No,” _Peter says, fists clenching, still so fucking angry at this asshole who thinks it's okay to dictate someone's self worth, even beyond the grave._ “No, May, that’s -” “Yeah,” _May says, soft, hands over Peter’s again._ “That’s whatever it is. Don’t waste your breath.” _She won't meet his eyes._ “I’m sorry,” _Peter says, and he really means that with all he’s got._ “I never would have guessed that you were - and that he was - like that towards you too.” “Pete,” _she says, and it’s almost a warning._ “Don’t waste your breath,” _she repeats._ _A year later, they attend their first pride. May and Peter are wrapped in a bisexual pride flag, while Ned is wearing a rainbow hat and has his hands intertwined with Peter’s. And Peter is so incredibly happy in this moment, that a part of him has to know that it's fleeting. That something bad is about to happen. That he's going to be ripped away from the love he's surrounded by right now. But he quiets that part of his subconscious for now, and tightens his grip on Ned's hand. Ned finds himself back in a church again, but Peter is not by his side this time._ (And, Jesus, what was it with churches and funerals? How many times had he or Peter been to church when it wasn’t _for someone’s death?) Ned wishes he could joke about this with Peter. He walks up to his casket instead. The casket that remains closed through the service because they hadn’t even found a fucking_ body. _And Ned knows. Ned knows that this isn’t him being crazy, or stupid; he knows that this can’t be right. Peter is 17. He’d just sent in his application for MIT. And there’s no way he would just leave Ned. >As he rests a hand on the casket, he feels May’s hand on his shoulder. She hugs him tight, and Ned feels it when she starts to sob. He doesn’t know how to do this; Peter knows how to comfort May the best but Peter is _ gone.

__

“He loved you so much, Ned,” _she whispers through her sobs. And Ned’s entire body has frozen up, so much that the tears don’t even fall from his eyes._ _When his casket is put underground, and after everyone, even May, has left the graveyard, he falls to his knees in front of Peter's headstone, and he doesn't even bother trying to stop the tears from falling this time._

"What the fuck, Peter," _he says._ "You're not gone, baby, please, you can't be gone. You fucker, you have to come back, we were supposed to get _married,_ you can't just die after you took my promise necklace, Peter, that's not how this works. Peter -" _he can feel the collar of his fancy dress shirt getting soaked through with his tears and it's all he can do not to just rip the stupid fucking thing off._

__

"I'm gonna find you," _he says, standing and brushing himself off and wiping his tears away and nodding at his gravestone. The gravestone that reads: Peter Parker, 2001-2018, the greatest superhero New York has ever seen._ "I'll fucking find you, Peter, and as soon as I do I'm marrying you. No more of this waiting around bullshit, I don't care if the dog is there or not. Just - just you and me, Peter. Like it should be." _Ned knows he shouldn’t follow this trail, knows that this will probably kill him, that it’s so much bigger than he can even comprehend, but what else is he to_ do? _The love of his life can’t be gone, and he won’t stop searching until he finds him, no matter if it’s 6000 miles or further away from here._ Peter figures Ned is probably still looking for him. He knows him - knows him well enough to know that he's probably being a fucking dumbass and maybe got the police involved, trying to find where Peter took off to. And the worst part about all of this? Peter knows Ned will never find him here. He's not sure how he got here, he doesn't know what happened, he can't even bet on where he is right now. And he feels himself begin to cry but it's - it's strange, because the tears flowing from his eyes float up into the air and away slowly, as if they're waving Peter goodbye. He takes out his cracked phone, hits it on the side a couple times, and types out a message. _To: Ned i don't know if this will ever deliver, ned, because to be completely fucking honest i have no idea where i am right now. it was a stupid thing to do to just leave and swing away and you have to get me to stop doing that. i hope god fuck i. i hope you're still there. i hope you're still alive god ned you have to be alive. i dont know what thanos did but all i know is that my body disintegrated or turned to dust or something and i dont know where i ended up or if this is earth or not or if i'm even alive anymore. i hope i'm still here god. i don't know what to do angel i don't know how to get back to you. i'm so sorry i didn't kiss you goodbye fuck i wish i kissed you_ please don't blame yourself n this was all my fault and i was in over my head and it was so stupid and you really gotta have better control of my impulses when i get back i hope i get back i love you so much ned please don't stop looking A message in big red texts appears, covering his screen that reads: _Message not delivered._

**Author's Note:**

> THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME COMING !!!!! i can't believe it's finally out I Mean i've not even finished writing it as i'm writing these notes but yk. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> special shoutout to my LOVE rosewitchx aka kat for the Ben Is An Asshole Trope i hope it's alright to borrow that love!!!!!
> 
> i used a lot of elements from my own life into this fic, and it's honestly a very personal thing for me to be posting but i couldn't be prouder of the way it turned out like. i haven't liked the way i've written something in Such A Long Time 
> 
> also thanks to my best friend liz she is thorbruces here on ao3 for reading the rough draft of this and giving me title ideas i love u so much
> 
> please pleaseeee do tell me what your favourite part of this was and if you enjoyed my headcanons about peter's past! also if you have any of your own please share them i love talking about this stuff more than anything
> 
> also i'm not entirely sure if i got the timelines right but what can i say it's 1:30 am
> 
> ! sending good energy! talk to u again soon xoxo alex 
> 
> (ps even tho it is kind of straying from canon i finally got myself to write something good about infinity war! be proud of me! ok bye)  
> (ps again this is the longest fic i've ever written it's 4 minutes to 3am if this doesn't get a shit ton of hits and comments i'll be straight up PISSED)  
> ((ps again again its literally 3:12 am and ive been coming back because ive had to make edits but its over im sending it goodnight streaks)


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